bring money and cleavage
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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