He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
