a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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