her vagine was all disorganized.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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