either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
