there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
