he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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