ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
