He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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