R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Hippo gnu deer
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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