The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize
