We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
