uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I cut my penus on the lid.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
