I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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