His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
