I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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