i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
PANTIES FOUND
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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