Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
