I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
