I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
