I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
