Ambien. No doubt about it.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
