The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
