I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
