Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
