Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
