I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
