Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
