fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
