i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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