gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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