I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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