my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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