i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
