theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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