Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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