So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
