WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
