Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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