I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
