Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
