So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
