we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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