I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
