GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
