apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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