what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
