Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
