If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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