why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
His hands were made for my vagina.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
