I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
