I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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